We had one of the new Zone Training Meetings that the Missionary Department has instructed to be done every month. It was pretty sweet. I felt spiritually lifted up to go work even harder than I was working before. I always feel like I should push myself a little further than I already am going. They talked about the Atonement, and our conversion stories. Each missionary shared their personal experience of how they gained a testimony of the Gospel, and became converted.
I want to share mine.
In short, making a note in advance my conversion did take place out here on the mission, and I'd like to note that I am about to open up alot in this post- you're about to learn alot about me.
I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was an interesting life. I grew up doing what I was told for the most part. I had my personal struggles, but amidst it all I had questions I wanted answered. But there was this bad problem I had, where I felt super closed to EVERYONE, and couldn't talk about what I was REALLY feeling inside. Ever since I was little I had absolutely no desire to serve a mission. It is a miracle that I am here, because I loathed the idea of going out on a mission. I didn't know what it would be like. Nobody had told me stories of their missions, or given me any real reason to serve other than it simply was "what I was supposed to do", it was a "priesthood obligation." I was very closed to my belief in missions being pointless, and beyond what I was supposed to do, because I didn't feel that I could ever voice my concerns to anyone.
I admit that in my youth I had spiritual experiences that kind of gave me a shallow foundation. But it was hardly anything I felt I could base myself on. I read the Book of Mormon once on a scout camp trip, and it was a spiritual high. But that was the most I really could say. I didn't feel I knew the Church was really true. I didn't understand anything. I couldn't grasp the most basic Doctrines. It seemed like everyone else had such firm knowledge, but amidst it all, I knew nothing. In High School I took lots of seminary time to take naps, and listen to music. I got in the wrong crowd in high school, dealing with alot of "crap" so to speak, and in short walked down a dark path of loneliness. About my sophomore year I beleive, was when this all started to happen. Kids, if your parents tell you not to hang with a certain group of kids, you listen. They know what is best, I testify of that from personal experience. The hardest thing for me was on my mission when I had to say "freak it, they were all right."
This is a hard part of my conversion to voice. Nobody back home really knows about it. In High School I did not like the church. I felt like it was a burden on me and my family. Later in life I came to find it is what holds us together, but that's later. I spent alot of fast sundays up on the stand bearing literally borrowed testimonies. I heard people bear testimonies, and I would think "well said, that is now my phrase. I'll use it, and everyone will think I do know that." Shocking? I also had a really bad plan in my heart. Before my mission I wanted to go to Southern Utah University. My plan was that I was going to move to Cedar City for a few months, get a job, and move away again. But I was hoping to not allow anybody to know. I would have my records removed from the church, and kind of just disappear. I believed that it'd be too hard to have everyone I knew on my tail, following me, and telling me I was wrong. I hated that. So why not just cut it all off from you, and start all anew? That was my reasoning. I look back, and realize that I had not thought everything through- I mean how the heck was I supposed to fund moving out of state?! Man, I really was a dumb 19 year old!
my life was summarized best by Elder Hallstrom in last conference "active in the church, but not in the Gospel."
Like I said, I really did not want to serve a mission. But I don't handle pressure well. I had a legion of friends, and family behind me asking ALL THE TIME "when are you going to put in your papers?" "when are you going to go?" etc etc. Eventually I got mad, and just decided- "alright! I'm going, because I'm tired of you asking. I'm eager to get out of Utah, anyways. So this is my chance!"
I started my papers sweating like no other, because I was scared out of my mind. I was thinking about how stupid I was to give in to pressure, and to do something I didn't believe in- something I hated. But in my minds eyes, I wanted to please people. I didn't want people to look down on me, I was all about my image. Look down on me now if you may, I don't care. But this mission was all going to be a game.
I remember when the morning I was reporting to the MTC. I cried alot that morning, because I was mad. I was really mad that this was really happening. Glenn Beck said it best when he said "I didn't want to be a mormon." I was in the same boat, but beyond all reason I chose to be a mormon missionary? Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out too.
The MTC was a treat for me, because everytime they wanted us to practice teaching a lesson they taught us about the Doctrine, and what we were going to be teaching. We'd go through Preach My Gospel, and they'd explain very simple doctrines. There were some that I was like "wait what?!" when they explained it, and I had a interesting "ah ha! I finally get those mormons/Christians!" One of the funniest things was when the teacher taught about the Atonement, and I was like "wait, what? Dying for us? Suffering for our sins??? I thought that he was just making a statement on the Cross. Like some chill rebel guy. This is new."
Or when they talked about the Restoration, and the significance to the Priesthood. I literally thought the priesthood was people telling me I could do something, just because. Yay, they laid their hands on my head and told me I could not give people a tray of bread and water so they can take a piece and sip. Wooptie doo.
I finally started to get it!
When I was being trained my mission was really hard. I knew I was out for the wrong reason, and I was miserable because of it. I didn't realize then that was why I was miserable. But I later realized it. While I was being busted in my second area, I was still very unhappy. My companion one day just turned to me and said- "look, you are unhappy. Figure it out, or go home." That changed my mission, and my life. I am forever in debt to that companion. I decided to figure it out and to serve my mission. I started to pray, and to actually do work.
In the long run on my mission I figured it out. I'm starting to get rushed, not due to short time. But I know the church is true now. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I love it. I love my Savior. I know He is real, and that He DID die for me. It's a simple testimony. But a good one for me.
I am different now. I can say that. You may have just found it out. But that is monumental to me. I had every reason to be happy before my mission, my life was going great! But I wasn't happy. Now I am happy, because I have Christ in my life.
I hope that nobody ever gives up on somebody. If someone has fallen they need time to fall further, and to feel the Atonement. Don't ever lose hope on yourself or another.
Have a great week!
Elder Prows
The MTC was a treat for me, because everytime they wanted us to practice teaching a lesson they taught us about the Doctrine, and what we were going to be teaching. We'd go through Preach My Gospel, and they'd explain very simple doctrines. There were some that I was like "wait what?!" when they explained it, and I had a interesting "ah ha! I finally get those mormons/Christians!" One of the funniest things was when the teacher taught about the Atonement, and I was like "wait, what? Dying for us? Suffering for our sins??? I thought that he was just making a statement on the Cross. Like some chill rebel guy. This is new."
Or when they talked about the Restoration, and the significance to the Priesthood. I literally thought the priesthood was people telling me I could do something, just because. Yay, they laid their hands on my head and told me I could not give people a tray of bread and water so they can take a piece and sip. Wooptie doo.
I finally started to get it!
When I was being trained my mission was really hard. I knew I was out for the wrong reason, and I was miserable because of it. I didn't realize then that was why I was miserable. But I later realized it. While I was being busted in my second area, I was still very unhappy. My companion one day just turned to me and said- "look, you are unhappy. Figure it out, or go home." That changed my mission, and my life. I am forever in debt to that companion. I decided to figure it out and to serve my mission. I started to pray, and to actually do work.
In the long run on my mission I figured it out. I'm starting to get rushed, not due to short time. But I know the church is true now. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I love it. I love my Savior. I know He is real, and that He DID die for me. It's a simple testimony. But a good one for me.
I am different now. I can say that. You may have just found it out. But that is monumental to me. I had every reason to be happy before my mission, my life was going great! But I wasn't happy. Now I am happy, because I have Christ in my life.
I hope that nobody ever gives up on somebody. If someone has fallen they need time to fall further, and to feel the Atonement. Don't ever lose hope on yourself or another.
Have a great week!
Elder Prows
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